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An open letter to the stupid neighbours who pissed us off for 12 months

Everyone has neighbours, they may live kilometres away or mere meters away. They’re the source of countless A Current Affair and Today Tonight stories featuring bitter bitchiness about puerile issues. This open letter is no different. There’s something about neighbours being oblivious to their neighbours that just pisses neighbours off and as long as we all live so close together, we’re in it for life.

Dear Neighbours,

As you may be aware by now, your previous neighbours and current letter writers have moved out.

I’d like to say that living next to you for the past year or so was a joyous experience but I cannot say that.

Your constant insistence on parking both of your cars in the shared driveway was an obvious disregard towards us.

It appears your house was vacant for an extended period recently and you decided to park one of your cars in the middle of the length of the driveway, and to the side, for the duration of your long absence. Anyone could see that the positioning of said car was an inconvenience for us due to the fact the driveway is narrow and when we go to park in our garage, we need to swing out and then back in to successfully complete the manoeuvre. Your car was left in the exact space we required to conveniently swing out.

During our vacation of our rental property, your car in the middle of the driveway made it difficult to back in trailers and wagons for loading up and shifting. It’s safe to say your selfish actions caused many a headache during the three or four day process of our shifting out.

The above instance is the most recent and most inconvenient example of the many through the past 12 months of your disregard for your neighbours and your selfishness, or perhaps not selfishness, but lack of understanding of the difference between a driveway and a car park.

I’ve taken the liberty of providing you with the dictionary definitions of driveway and car park for your personal growth and in the hope your next neighbours will not have to squeeze and slink their way around your cars which are parked in the shared driveway.

Before I give you the definitions of driveway and car park, I thought I’d also provide you with the definition of garage. You see, it didn’t go unnoticed that you chose to use your garage as a sort of storage facility for your, what can only be described as, ugly outdoor setting and other bric-a-brac.

drive-way

noun

a short road leading from a public road to a house or garage.

car park

noun Brit.

a parking lot or parking garage.

ga-rage

noun

1 a building or shed for housing a motor vehicle or vehicles.

As you can see by the definitions, parking your cars on the shared driveway as opposed to parking one in your garage and one in the parking space on the side of the road is not only incorrect but it’s also a just cause for our enduring frustration over the past 12 months.

I would like to offer you a solution for you to refer to in the future should you wish to implement an improved and more efficient parking solution for all parties involved. I’d suggest moving your outdoor setting and bric-a-brac out of your garage and using it as one space to park one of your cars. The second car might able to utilise some of the available space on the side of Park Street. I know the human perception of time and distance can vary depending on mood, urgency, health and amount of hand luggage or children in tow or prams etc.

Because I want to give you all the facts, I’ve calculated the amount of steps it takes to walk from Park Street to your garage door.

Steps from Park Street to your garage door: 45

Time it takes to walk from Park Street to your garage door: 0:22.5

I mentioned only a couple of variables that could change the amount of steps and time it takes to walk from Park Street to your garage door, so below are the facts.

Steps from Park Street to your garage door in a bad mood (stomping): 39

Time it takes to walk from Park Street to your garage door in a bad mood: 0:24.7

Steps from Park Street to your garage door in a rush: 27

Time it takes to walk from Park Street to your garage door in a rush: 0:10.1

Crawling from Park Street to your garage door in ill health: no steps counted

Time it takes to crawl from Park Street to your garage door in ill health: 1:07.6

And because you have children

Steps from Park Street to your garage door for a child: 54

Time it takes a child to walk from Park Street to your garage door: 0:26.3

As you can see by the numbers, there really is no difference in the distance and time it takes to walk from Park Street to your garage door.

I won’t be so condescending as to map out the amount of steps and time it takes to walk from your garage to your front door, but suffice to say, having one car in the garage means even less time and distance to walk to your front door than it is to walk from half way down the shared driveway.

Sincerely,

Ex-neighbours.

PS: The irony surrounding the obvious name of the street we shared and the subject of this complaint isn’t lost on me.

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