Time travellers are invited to my party and you’re not.

The other day I came across an experiment by Stephen Hawking about his attempt to prove whether time travel into the past is possible. His experiment involved sending out invitations to his party to future time travellers in the hope they’ll receive his invites and travel back in time to join him for a night of frivolity in Cambridge’s opulent dining room. But when the clock ticked over to party time, no one showed up :(

Hawking’s test doesn’t prove that time travel into the past is impossible, it just proves that he didn’t promise anywhere near enough excitement to warrant future people wasting the required weapons grade plutonium or 1.21 jigawatts to open a wormhole so they can RSVP in person to boring-arse party invites such as these:

That’s right. That’s the invitation he actually sent out. I wouldn’t attend any party I was invited to if I received something as bland as that, all that promises is an evening featuring banter about bridges and how to pave streets with bluestone. But there are clues in the video that might explain more reasons why his party wasn’t pumpin’ like a secret Black Eyed Peas nightclub gig, such as the fact he decided to serve refreshments and he didn’t mention in his invitation to his guests from the future that they won’t need to bring any ID or cash. These are apparently actual issues that may ward off time travellers from attending due to the dangers involved.

Also, my theory is that if people from the future really wanted to go to a party they would, but I don’t think they’d be up for opening a wormhole in a built up area such as Cambridge because the large amount of energy and radiation involved could tear the place down and potentially kill some nearby snooty pimple-faced undergrads who think wanking over Kafka to Radiohead in their dorms together is totes amazeballs.

I decided to mention all of this to Stephen Hawking via Twitter but it appears he’s too busy being the world’s greatest scientist to waste his precious time trading witticisms with the likes of you on social media because he hasn’t tweeted in more than two years. Regardless, I thought I’d skip the bit about telling him his invitations suck donkey balls and he missed some vital information and get straight to the point that I’m sending out my own invitations and planing my own party for future time travellers and it’ll be a better party than his.

But I’m no idiot. There are certain things that will need to be addressed to ensure the success of my awesome party. The venue and location can’t be anywhere built up and the party will kick-off late at night for secrecy reasons. Here’s my exciting, awesome, uber-fun invitation I made:

The invitation is a giant A2 size and I used my girlfriend’s kid’s markers and pencils to put it together. Pretty cool, huh? I think the naivety adds to the promise of a fun event.

You’ll notice the important information here has been obscured. That’s because I don’t want a bunch of Corey Worthington bullshit to ensue where instead of drunk teens crashing my party it’d be the drunk press, scientists, crackpots, nutjobs, alien theorists and other general undesirables.

A lot of thought had to be put into how to send the fucking thing out. Burying it seemed like the most surefire Dr Emmett Brown-esque way for it to remain undisturbed for as long as possible. So I folded it up…

…wrapped it in plastic and put it in a tin…

…and then it was ready to be sent out.

Finding a burial location wasn’t easy because there’s no way to predict where future excavations will be needed or the future expansion of cities or foundations of new ones will be located. I am very aware the tin the invitation is in is metal. I asked the guy at the disposal shop where I bought it and he reckons it’ll be detectable by a metal detector up to four meters underground. For someone to actually find it they’ll need to look for it so I think it’ll be safely hidden for the required thousands of years. If not, then that’s why I wrote that warning all over the damn thing.  Also, to reduce any danger of paradoxes happening around party time, I buried the invite far away from the party location. So I buried it here:

You may have noticed on my invitation I added what is essentially a “get out of attendance but prove your existence” clause by stating that if people from the future wish to send an object through a worm hole instead then that’s just as good. Seriously, how hard could that be for them to do? Hawking totally overlooked this opportunity with his experiment and I’m favouring it as the most possible outcome.

I’ll post all of the sordid party details here after I’ve held the bestest pumping party ever that you’re not invited to.


58 comments on “Time travellers are invited to my party and you’re not.

  1. Hee, I love everything about this post. I’m pretty sure time travel won’t be perfected within my lifetime because nothing happened on my 21st birthday (what, doesn’t everyone make that deal with themselves?), so there’s that. But there’s nothing to say it won’t happen after that.

    Although, after spending the last 18 years reading and re-reading PKD, I’m no longer sure I want time travel as an eventuality.

    • I am trying to get to your party, but I miscalculated and ended up in New Zealand. I have important stock trade secrets and information about an unprecedented tectonic plate shift coming in 2014. Please send money. Or a helicopter.

  2. In the future, there may be rules or laws against recreational time travel which would mean that it would be illegal for people to go to Stephen Hawking’s party. The government of that era (or any era) will probably regulate any technology that is sufficiently useful for their own purposes, maybe for archaeological or military uses. Great post! :-)

  3. :D Excellent! I hope the party is well attended. Be sure to write the follow up!

  4. <<<<< Is it always Now o'clock with time travel?

    Good bloggin'!

  5. “Yesterday, all my problems seemed so far away
    Now it seems as if they’re tomorrow
    Oh I believe in time travelllllllll…”

  6. Stephen Hawking needs a party planner

  7. In Time Travel Time there was probably a clash between Hawking’s party and yours and yours sounds like more fun, so…expect visitors.

  8. I think Hawking should hire you to do his parties in the future (sorry, I couldn’t resist).

  9. I love it.
    I fI manage to time travel in the future, find out when your party is, then time travel back again, will I still be allowed to come? Or will being in my natural timeline when I read this mean I’m not allowed?
    It sounds like fun, but I wouldn’t come if I wasn’t wanted.

  10. Glad I stumbled upon this on FP (congrats, by the way). That just had me laughing out loud in the office and having to explain why I’m on a blog site and not being constructive with office-type tasks. Thanks for the laughs!!

  11. Or maybe some future adjustment to the calendar, post Mayan-Apocolypse, caused them to show up on the wrong date!

  12. Perhaps time travel is dangerous to use for the reasons specified, the paradox problems, or even because using it causes strange things to happen…

  13. This is a great idea. Please let us know about the results. Advertise that you’ll have free alcohol there and I’m sure at least a few time travelers will show up for the occasion.

  14. Or maybe they just didn’t want to hang out with Stephen Hawking. I’d be way too intimidated. What if he asked for my help in solving a physics equation? I’d have to dine and time travel. Great post. Totes amazeballs.

  15. Great post. Only problem I can see with your party is that you’ve asked the guests to bring their own food and drink. It may make it too difficult for many time travelers to attend. Am looking forward to seeing the pictures from this party!

  16. I think there is an assumption that time travelers would rather drink it up than party with Hawking. I don’t know if that is true. Let us know?

  17. I think maybe Stephen Hawking needs to consult Dr. Who. Dr. Who constantly jumps about in time, back and forth, so I’m sure the Doctor would have a solution. Those Time Lords gotta be good for something other than rescuing damsels in distress, changing history, etc. ;-)

  18. It sounds like it would be a grand time.-way better than the Hawking shindig.

  19. I love this dedication to a theme. If I steal this idea in the future (or in the past), I will let (I did let, I am letting) you know (knew).

  20. So since I wasn’t invited to your bestest pumping party, did you have it and what were the sordid details, do tell!

  21. Hilarious post. I liked “it just proves that he didn’t promise anywhere near enough excitement to warrant future people wasting the required weapons grade plutonium or 1.21 jigawatts to open a wormhole so they can RSVP in person to boring-arse party invites such as these:” and the inclusion of that Corey kid. He’ll come to your time traveler party but he will NOT take off his sunglasses.

  22. That was witty!!

  23. great post *cool invitation

  24. Haha, this is awesome, hope the party works out better than Mr Hawking’s!

    Great post, thanks for sharing :)


  25. Ha Ha,,,great post!

  26. maybe they could send strippers through the worm hole? That would kick Prof. Hawkings parties ass

  27. I think that the BYOB clause might work against you. But otherwise, saucesome invite and funny post :-D

  28. Holy Shit!! You went to an awful lot of trouble to get yourself Freshly Pressed…so here you go: Congratulations!!! Hawking never got Freshly Pressed as far as I know…fuck him and his fake neurological condition…do you think anyone would ever have given his hare-brained ideas a moments pause if he hadn’t been in a wheelchair and looking all scrunched up? No. People listen just to be polite and no one dares tell him he’s nuts cause it would be like assaulting disabled person. Well enough of this tyrany! I’m stayingt put anyway…right here in the present so that all the time traveller’s have someone to visit…
    btw: did you know that the whole “string theory” thing came from a prank that Hawking’s undergrad “friends” played on him once? They wrapped him up in about 5 miles worth of string (no knots…they weren’t cruel) and said to Hawking: “we’re leaving now…you’ll figure it out smarty pants!”

  29. time travel is highly over-rated–but I know for certain that your invitation is going to work

  30. […] Time travellers are invited to my party and you’re not.. […]

  31. Hilarious! :D .. Do tell us if the party was successful or not.

  32. Great post! I love the concept and idea of time travel… But does anyone else agree with me that it also involves some aspects of prediction?

  33. How will you know they are from the future…oh they’ll have the iPhone 1564…your party sounds belting! :)

  34. Awesome! You definitely made me laugh.

  35. Awesome. You definitely made me laugh!

  36. I love this idea! Let me know who shows up and what they are wearing in the future… :)
    Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!

  37. Was so pumped for the party. Grabbed time- appropriate clothing, checked history for any possible problems ( war, riots, ect.) and found and prepared blue police box. Dematerialized, missed party by an hour, my TARDIS broke, (as it usually does. Alot) Now I’m hungry, lonely and want to back to the future. Time travel still not reliable travel.

    Great post, made me laugh! Congratulations on being freshly pressed! :)

  38. Fabulous post :)

  39. I’d have thought the mere presence of a great physicist such as Hawking would have been enough incentive to attend that party. And besides, by the looks of it it’s a formal gathering, so no need for anything particularly funky. Assuming that isn’t a requirement of inhabitants of the future.

    Of course the real reason no-one attended is because in travelling back in time, you create a new alternate timeline. So Hawking probably has a packed reception in some parallel universe, it’s just we don’t see it because this one is the initiator.

  40. Reblogged this on Angle and commented:
    A very great idea, love it.

  41. I just came back from the future, it is great!

  42. AHHHHHH your humour is amazing and refreshing and now I want to go to a party

  43. How very uncreative Hawkings was, lucky your thought it through! I thoroughly enjoyed this post and I can’t wait to hear about who attended :)

  44. A very humorous piece, it makes me wonder if I was a time traveller, would I attend your party? Hmm … I guess it depends on how old I am if at that period of time in my life, a party gathering all future leaders would be of interest. Perhaps I would send something instead so you knew my existence. So for the future, as a time traveller and any who are attending this party, look out for the pale pink high heels as a sign its from me, chick lit author, Melanie Toye. They are my favourite.

  45. You made my morning with this post.

  46. […] Time Travellers Are Invited To My Party and You’re Not. (thepackedvacuum.wordpress.com) […]

  47. […] Time Travellers Are Invited To My Party and You’re Not. (thepackedvacuum.wordpress.com) […]

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