The other day I came across an experiment by Stephen Hawking about his attempt to prove whether time travel into the past is possible. His experiment involved sending out invitations to his party to future time travellers in the hope they’ll receive his invites and travel back in time to join him for a night of frivolity in Cambridge’s opulent dining room. But when the clock ticked over to party time, no one showed up :(
Hawking’s test doesn’t prove that time travel into the past is impossible, it just proves that he didn’t promise anywhere near enough excitement to warrant future people wasting the required weapons grade plutonium or 1.21 jigawatts to open a wormhole so they can RSVP in person to boring-arse party invites such as these:
That’s right. That’s the invitation he actually sent out. I wouldn’t attend any party I was invited to if I received something as bland as that, all that promises is an evening featuring banter about bridges and how to pave streets with bluestone. But there are clues in the video that might explain more reasons why his party wasn’t pumpin’ like a secret Black Eyed Peas nightclub gig, such as the fact he decided to serve refreshments and he didn’t mention in his invitation to his guests from the future that they won’t need to bring any ID or cash. These are apparently actual issues that may ward off time travellers from attending due to the dangers involved.
Also, my theory is that if people from the future really wanted to go to a party they would, but I don’t think they’d be up for opening a wormhole in a built up area such as Cambridge because the large amount of energy and radiation involved could tear the place down and potentially kill some nearby snooty pimple-faced undergrads who think wanking over Kafka to Radiohead in their dorms together is totes amazeballs.
I decided to mention all of this to Stephen Hawking via Twitter but it appears he’s too busy being the world’s greatest scientist to waste his precious time trading witticisms with the likes of you on social media because he hasn’t tweeted in more than two years. Regardless, I thought I’d skip the bit about telling him his invitations suck donkey balls and he missed some vital information and get straight to the point that I’m sending out my own invitations and planing my own party for future time travellers and it’ll be a better party than his.
But I’m no idiot. There are certain things that will need to be addressed to ensure the success of my awesome party. The venue and location can’t be anywhere built up and the party will kick-off late at night for secrecy reasons. Here’s my exciting, awesome, uber-fun invitation I made:
The invitation is a giant A2 size and I used my girlfriend’s kid’s markers and pencils to put it together. Pretty cool, huh? I think the naivety adds to the promise of a fun event.
You’ll notice the important information here has been obscured. That’s because I don’t want a bunch of Corey Worthington bullshit to ensue where instead of drunk teens crashing my party it’d be the drunk press, scientists, crackpots, nutjobs, alien theorists and other general undesirables.
A lot of thought had to be put into how to send the fucking thing out. Burying it seemed like the most surefire Dr Emmett Brown-esque way for it to remain undisturbed for as long as possible. So I folded it up…
…wrapped it in plastic and put it in a tin…
…and then it was ready to be sent out.
Finding a burial location wasn’t easy because there’s no way to predict where future excavations will be needed or the future expansion of cities or foundations of new ones will be located. I am very aware the tin the invitation is in is metal. I asked the guy at the disposal shop where I bought it and he reckons it’ll be detectable by a metal detector up to four meters underground. For someone to actually find it they’ll need to look for it so I think it’ll be safely hidden for the required thousands of years. If not, then that’s why I wrote that warning all over the damn thing. Also, to reduce any danger of paradoxes happening around party time, I buried the invite far away from the party location. So I buried it here:
You may have noticed on my invitation I added what is essentially a “get out of attendance but prove your existence” clause by stating that if people from the future wish to send an object through a worm hole instead then that’s just as good. Seriously, how hard could that be for them to do? Hawking totally overlooked this opportunity with his experiment and I’m favouring it as the most possible outcome.
I’ll post all of the sordid party details here after I’ve held the bestest pumping party ever that you’re not invited to.