Plain packaging won’t stop people smoking when plain packaging isn’t plain.

Everyone around the world thought it was hilarious when they heard that the Australian government was planning to bring in legislation which forced tobacco companies to sell cigarettes in plain packages. Australians then hoped their government would be made a fool of when the big tobacco companies, who obviously didn’t want their brand taken away from them, took the Australian government to court to reverse the legislation. Legislation remained and time kept marching towards the plain packaging implementation date of December 1 2012. But who’s laughing now? The rest of the world. At Australia.

Right now, Australia is the only country in the whole entire world which has enforced plain packaging for cigarettes. The idea behind this novel law is that if cigarette packages look as attractive as an old fat person shitting on a puppy then people will just magic up and quit smoking.


See that up there? That’s the plain package we all have to look at. Now, I’m no genius, but I’m pretty sure a plain package of anything wouldn’t have massive graphic images, logos, big red warnings and bold text anywhere. A plain package is like Metallica’s “black” self-titled album, or, Metallica’s “plain packaged” self-titled album as it shall now be known. According to some study, that dark olive colour is the least attractive colour which means less of a youth uptake.

Unfortunately for all of the other countries watching Australia to see how this pans out, people have complained that cigarettes taste worse since the introduction of plain packaging. It’s unfortunate because that’s the sort of dumb stupidity the government was probably holding its breath to hear and it’ll mean stupid people will quit smoking and the even stupider government will pat itself on the back for introducing a stupid law that tricks stupid people into stupid quitting.

The words “nanny state” have been bandied around a lot surrounding this new law. The idea that people are so mindless they must be saved from themselves is condescending and rude. But if I want to smoke until I die early then that’s my prerogative and “fuck the government, man, let’s smoke a spliff and listen to Rage Against The Machine, man, yeah, fuck the government” who only cares about saving money on healthcare expenses while at the same time budgeting the taxes I’ll need to pay every year for the rest of my life until I die around the median age for my socioeconomic demographic.

As a quick aside, do you know how much Australian’s pay for a packet of cigarettes? For a pack of 30 cheap brand cigarettes it costs $18.75 AUD. Let’s do some conversions.

$18.75 AUD = $19.80 USD

$18.75 AUD = 15.16 EURO

$18.75 AUD = 12.36 GBP

$18.75 AUD = $19.52 Canadian dollars

$18.75 AUD = 1,081.23 Indian rupees

So, as you can see, we Aussies pay a fuckload more than any other country for a packet of cigarettes and instead of getting nice, sexy and cool packages all we get is over-taxed and over-charged to the hilt while having to look at some dude’s foot with unkempt toe nails.

I’ve had enough of being nannied by the government and I’m not going to stand for it any longer!

So, for the first time ever (probably) on this blog (definitely) we here at The Packed Vacuum are proud to show off a range of alternative plain cigarette packages for you to make in your very own home!

All you have to do to get going is grab an old pack of cigarettes, undo it until it’s a flat piece of cardboard, use it as a template to trace onto some paper or cardboard then decorate the new template by getting all crafty and creative. Once that’s done just fold it up, stick it together and you’ll be smoking with pizzaz in no time.

The Magazine Collage Pack

Have you ever wanted to stare at celebrities while you smoke? I know I have. This one is the bodacious Magazine Collage Pack.


And here’s the back.


The simple cutting and pasting skills you learnt as a child will come in handy for this one. Attack some celeb gossip mag with a pair of scissors; my advice is to add as many images of tits and ass as possible because sex and smoking go hand in hand.

The Play School Art Thing

Remember watching Play School and being amazed at what the presenters used to make out of old egg cartons and cardboard and toilet rolls? Well you could amaze yourself and your kids with something like this Smoker’s Island Paradise, for example.


That’s a bit of cardboard with the top of a small egg carton glued on top of it with a plain packet glued and small cardboard egg cup on top of that. It’s then painted like a house on an island. Those little plastic trees are available from art and craft shops I guess, I dunno.


If your kids are bored during their days off school or whatever, then this is a fun way to get them away from their Playstations and iPads and involved in creating stuff. And it’ll bring you and your kid together because you’ll be working on a rewarding project worthy of any mantle piece.

The Modern Pack

If you’re after something a little more modern then why not just screen capture, say, some of your favourite tweets from people you follow on Twitter? Print them out, trim them down then stick em on and you’re done.


Instead of tweets you could screen capture your favourite Facebook status updates from your friends or you could find your favourite cat meme or “philosoraptor” and use that instead. If you’re trying to quit smoking you could even print out a picture of a loved one as inspiration not to smoke, so, I dunno, your dog or your iPad or your favourite fern or something.

The Special Commemorative Kate’s Pregnancy Announcement Plain Package

The way I see it, if you’re going to make something like your own plain packet then you may as well commemorate something at the same time. Here’s an idea: The Commemorative Kate’s Pregnancy Announcement Plain Package. I’m talking Catherine Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge.


On the back of the pack there’s the topless image of Kate which was taken by a paparazzo and published by the French magazine, Closer.


The day that photo was taken may very well have been the day she was knocked up so it’s pretty important. All of the other images and text are from the same above mentioned celeb gossip mag.


I like how excited the tabloids got when this pregnancy was announced and someone decided to predict what Will and Kate’s kid would look like. He looks a bit rigid to me.

So, there you have it. A couple of ideas to work with.

Plain packets

We here at The Packed Vacuum understand everyone is busy and has a life so if you want any of these packages but can’t be bothered making your own then get in contact with us via Twitter or our Contact page or show your interest in the comments below for info on how to buy these superbly 100% Australian Made and Hand Crafted packages. Prices vary and Ts&Cs apply. Every package bought will be made of sturdier stuff and covered in clear contact for durability.


14 comments on “Plain packaging won’t stop people smoking when plain packaging isn’t plain.

  1. your are a dick head …. and a very plain package indeed…………

  2. I think I’d give up smoking too if I had to buy a pack like that! Thank goodness for your smart ideas though :)

  3. Between me and my husband we’ve owned more MP3 players over the years than I can count, including Sansas, iRivers, iPods (classic & touch), the Ibiza Rhapsody, etc. But, the last few years I’ve settled down to one line of players. Why? Because I was happy to discover how well-designed and fun to use the underappreciated (and widely mocked) Zunes are

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