Aliens aren’t aliens because they’re from Earth.

It has recently been brought to my attention that my secretly long held theory about aliens isn’t just my own, which I’m totes stoked about because it means only one thing: I’m not a complete crackpot. It also means that if you share this theory then you’re not a crackpot either and we all deserve a good pat on the back and an article in some edgy anthropology journal.

The theory is this: aliens, by which I mean the archetypical little green/grey men from other planets who travel through space, aren’t actually alien life forms from other planets at all, they’re evolved humans from Earth, from the distant future. These aliens, or rather, future humans (FHs) as they shall henceforth be known, have been sighted because some are sent back in time to have a gander at us primitive beings. Here, take a toke of this spliff and let’s get down to business.

See this thing here? That’s what a real alien being attacked by smaller aliens should look like:


To fully understand this theory then you probably need to believe in evolution. If you’re a creationist then it’s simple to follow too (just ignore all the rubbish about science and common sense); God became angry and vengeful and struck down humanity as we know it with pestilence because, well, too many priests fondled too many kids in the name of Christ. As not to waste this supremely habitable planet he created, God then created similar beings in the future and he created them extremely complicated technology such as a flying saucer-like time machines. God’s new creations use the flying saucer-like time machines to travel back in time to observe us. God speaks through me so I know this is one hundred percent correct so consider this a warning.

So, anyway, evolution in the past occurred so life forms could adapt to or take advantage of their environment. When you think about the environment we’ve created for ourselves you think of houses and skyscrapers, subways and planes, shopping malls and concert halls. Most of our environment is as disconnected from the natural environment as we have become. Nowadays we’re not driven by consumption of products as such because our focus has turned towards ease of communication with each other.

By ease of communication I mean a lean towards methods of electronic communication that require less physical exertion but more mental focus. I’m pretty sure we all know a couple or a bunch of housemates who text each other when there’s merely a wall separating them.

Our new finger and eye heavy electronic communication methods will be the environment we evolve to make it easier for us to all be fat lazy bastards. The proof is in the picture of the alien, or, future human (FH).


Look at it, it’s like looking in a mirror! See those big eyes? The FH needs bigger eyes so it can take in more visual information at a quicker rate, information from screens or holograms or whatever devices there are in the future that displays information.

It’s even got a larger head than we do. With all of the visual information bombarding the FH it needs to be able to process it all quicker with a bigger brain and bigger skull to house it.

Its fingers are all thin and long! Why? For ease of navigation when the FH is constantly communicating on devices with loads of little buttons or swipy screens or holographic buttons.

The FH has no ears because it doesn’t need them. There are images of “aliens” with small holes for ears, probably because the only listening to anything it does is through head phones or ear phones.

The FH has a smaller mouth because it doesn’t speak much anymore. All it does is convey its every thought and every desire via a written code.

At this point you’d be thinking I have no idea what I’m talking about. But you know what, that FH is so skinny it must survive on a diet of binary code or some shit, I dunno, whatever God created for it to eat. I know the technology and communication devices we use today won’t be the same in the future, seriously, everyone knows Apple’s sharp decline has begun but that’s more of a concern for some pimpled and lonesome Apple fanboy.

We as a species have, over the billions of years to date, made our environment so comfortable that our lives have become ridiculously simple but at the same time we’ve got so much time on our hands that we fill it with pointless busy work. How many times have you recently heard someone say “Oh, sorry for not replying to your text, I was too busy watching reality TV/ playing Xbox/ looking at Facebook to reply (read: to busy being disconnected to communicate with you in the least personal way/most disconnected way possible)”? I don’t wanna sound all “keep off the grass, you little shits!”, but community has become an antiquated notion and you can read piles about that written by councils and academics and parents and newspaper columnists.

If you don’t believe me then you need look no further than these examples of complete fucktards complaining about minutiae so skullfuckingly mundane it borders on psychopathic. Having become so insular, bored, complacent and simple, we in the West have turned our lives into something so meaningless that we search for meaning, any meaning about anything, and use our new found voices to voice our concerns or opinions or jokes.

This communication culture we have embraced is so important that no one will ever be able to take it away. It’ll just grow from a culture to a lifestyle to a complete way of life, it’ll become our environment.

Considering humans are so good at adapting it really would be no surprise if we’ve already begun evolving right before our very small eyes.

Quick note: I feel I need to mention the fact I once pitched this theory as an article to another website who said it needed a lot of work but then went on and used my whole theory as a point in a similar article by someone else shortly after. If you don’t believe me, I have the screen shots with dates and stuff – I’m not crazy, goddamn it! Where’s my gun, ma? MA!


9 comments on “Aliens aren’t aliens because they’re from Earth.

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