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If I lost an eye and then had it replaced I’d tell everybody the details – Dead Space 3 review, sort of.

I’ve been playing Dead Space 3 shit loads since it came out. I’m a discerning video game connoisseur, not a gamer, and my journalistic expertise lies in real journalism, not writing video game reviews because video game review writing is for children. Having said that, my experience playing Dead Space 3 has compelled me to write a review, of sorts. The following Dead Space 3 review was written while I sat in a soiled diaper as snot dripped from my nose onto my shirt.

I’m going to have to assume you’ve completed all four Dead Space games (1, iOS, 2 and 3) because I’m lazy and can’t be bothered explaining a vast majority of the back story nor can I be bothered warning ya’ll that this review contains pretty much every SPOILER in every Dead Space game.

My first issue is this: In Dead Space 2 Ellie Langford lost an eye during a Necromorph fight cut scene (no pun intended) and then proclaimed that Isaac Clarke is responsible and owes her an eye. In Dead Space 3 Ellie appears with both eyes in tact. In the close ups you can see her eyes are now different colours. It’s unclear how Ellie got the new mismatched eye as the details of such an event went completely unmentioned. I always considered Isaac to be a good, honest and decent man so I really need to know if a) he provided the replacement eye for Ellie and b) if he did, why he didn’t find her one the same colour as her original eye.

At the beginning of Dead Space 3 you get to see inside Isaac’s small and rather depressing apartment. I searched high and low throughout his hovel and found no evidence, not even a single receipt to suggest he provided Ellie her new eye.

To make it worse, Ellie and Isaac were going out. They were like a real adult couple. They probably boned everywhere in that little apartment of Isaac’s and I don’t want to be crude here but to me, Ellie seemed like she’d take it every which way. But Isaac and Ellie didn’t work out so I guess she dumped him and then hooked up with that fuck head Robert Norton who has the gall to enlist the help of Isaac to locate Ellie because according to Norton, she’s gallivanting around the universe doing some Marker crap and she’s been incommunicado for a while now.

Come to think of it, Robert Norton totally seems like the kind of dickhead to buy Ellie her new mismatched eye. I dunno, Isaac doesn’t seem to be the moneyed type and I bet an eye goes for a lot in the future and that’s probably why Ellie dumped him. But then again, look at Norton, what a total dipshit jock


My second issue is this: Everyone except for Isaac and Ellie are completely incompetent. Early on in the game you (as Isaac, duh) are directed by that bald woman to repair a shuttle that’s “a piece of shit” but it’s the only transport around.  So, after you’ve repaired it, the bald woman tries to run a diagnostic on the ship before engaging its engines but what does she do? She just goes ahead and engages the engines accidently! Leaving you to run around a fucking hangar that’s burning to bits and swarming with aliens!

Later on in the game that same bald woman instructs you to enter the belly of a giant but dead alien. Isaac acts hesitant as he damn well should. And let me say that this bald woman, the cause of a lot of angst, is a part of Ellie’s team! The very team you were sent to search for by Norton! There’s no wonder everything went awry when you’ve hired someone like this. I don’t want to sound hairist, but bald people are total jerks!

I was really happy when the bald woman was so incompetent she couldn’t even get off a lift fast enough which resulted in her getting killed by a different giant alien. Look at her, doesn’t she just look totally bald and stupid and stupid and bald.


The incompetence doesn’t end there, either. At one point while in space you have to remove debris from a tram line and what do you know? Some idiot had previously left a dangerous, invincible Necromorph in a crate on the tram line. This means the previous inhabitants of the space ship decided to catch the invincible and highly dangerous alien and, not jettison it out into the bowels of space, but leave it on a tram line as some sick, stupid joke.

My third issue is this: The bad luck. Some way into the bit where you’re on the snow planet you have to follow Ellie up a long metal ladder. She goes up it and reaches the top. You follow. Half way up, however, the ladder suddenly breaks, leaving you to find a more difficult and dangerous route to meet up with Ellie again.

Then there’s my Karrie Norton and Robert Norton theory: In Dead Space iOS, Karrie (codename: Vandal) is a Unitologist who is sent on a mission to unleash a Necromorph army. In Dead Space 3 Robert Norton leads the Unitologists to Isaac so they can stop him from stopping the Markers and Necromorphs because he’s the only guy in the entire universe who knows how to.

My guess is Robert and Karrie were married and when Karrie never returned home Robert hooked up with Ellie and at the same time stayed within the Church of Unitology, probably to get closer to Isaac and his penchant for messing with the Church’s plans. Perhaps the deal Robert made with Unitology head-honcho Jacob Danik (DS3 “bad guy”) was that if he lead Danik to Isaac which then led him to the Marker then Danik would tell Robert what happened to Karrie. Since the end of Dead Space iOS alludes to Karrie dying, and Isaac shoots Robert between the eyes, one could assume the Norton couple get reunited. Then with Robert Norton dead, Isaac and Ellie get back together. The below pic is them together before Norton dies but who cares, Norton was dead to us all pretty much as soon as we met him anyway.


My fourth issue is this: The focus on hair accessories.

You’ll need every single one of those 34 tubs of hair gel, Isaac, you suffer from horrific helmet-hair.


If you’re hair ever gets wet, Isaac, you’ll never run out of hair dryers, here’s 19 of them.


Afros are in, and science has come so far these days that it doesn’t matter what your hair type is, you can have any hairstyle you want. Here, take 21 afro combs.


Then there’s the weapons: In Dead Space, Dead Space iOS and Dead Space 2, the Plasma Cutter was king. In Dead Space 3, a maxed out Plasma Cutter has all the dismembering power of a corn chip gun.

I didn’t mind the weapon crafting system but building a weapon from scratch wasn’t for me, it was easier and more effective to just modify weapons made from blueprints. Romping around with an incendiary rifle with an incendiary shotgun attached in one weapon slot and a stasis rifle with a rocket launcher attached in the other slot meant I had all bases covered. Old favourites such as the ripper and the line gun are pretty much useless now which is sad coz I looooved the line gun.

The End: After the credits role Isaac goes on the intercom thingo to see if Ellie is around. She had already left for earth. What will happen in Dead Space 4? Will it return to the super tense alone in the dark horror style of Dead Space? Will there be a hair straightener item to collect? Will Nicole come back to haunt Isaac? Is Karrie really dead? Do I have to rate this game out of ten? Yes? 8/10.


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