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The one and only travel guide that will save Melbourne.

Glasgow is a city in Scotland and Scotland is on the northern tip of the United Kingdom. I’ve never been to Scotland but I’ve been to Poland and I’m sure the two are completely dissimilar except for having “land” in their names. I’m from Melbourne, the same very Melbourne that was voted The World’s Most Liveable City in 2011 and 2012. That means Melbourne is better than Glasgow as a city in every possible way except for one; Melbourne doesn’t have a ‘welcome alien’ policy. Glasgow does.

Glasgow City Council member Dr Kenneth Meechan is quoted as saying that non-hostile aliens would receive a “warm and peaceful visit” if they did in fact visit Glasgow. This is one hundred percent serious (as it should be) and if you don’t believe me you can read about it here.

What Melbourne does have is its very own trashy tabloid, the Herald Sun, which informed me only the other day that “VICTORIA UNDER ATTACK!” from aliens! No fucking way!

Herald Sun alien article

You can’t read it online so believe me when I say the Herald Sun’s four separate reported cases (right page) of alien encounters are truly one hundred percent true. Melbourne is the capital city of the state of Victoria so by using logic and deduction, it’s painfully clear that aliens are looking to visit Melbourne but since there’s no ‘welcome alien’ policy in place they’ve turned hostile and begun sticking probes up the asses of people in rural areas surrounding the city.

So, to potentially save the whole of Victoria and Melbourne from alien attacks, I decided to go out and take some photos of Melbourne’s world famous landmarks to show everyone and everyalien why they should visit, peacefully. Think of it as a tourist pamphlet for visiting aliens. This pamphlet will hopefully be the first step to implementing a ‘welcome alien’ policy for Melbourne.

Flinders Street Station

Flinders St Station

For everyone: It’s an old train station. It’s a landmark. People meet under those clocks there under that there arch.

For everyalien: It’s the city’s central commuter hub. During peak times the trains are either late, cancelled or so jam packed it’s hard to even move. People on trains don’t really talk or make eye contact with each other since they’re too busy playing with their smart phones or listening to music. Oh, and the ticketing system doesn’t work very well. Rumour has it the ticketing system recently implemented in Melbourne was previously rejected by another city, called London, which is actually running a much more reliable and user friendly sort of crustacean themed system. London also has more trains that run on time with less congestion but London isn’t The World’s Most Liveable City, Melbourne is.

Federation Square

Federation Square

For everyone: It’s a series of cube shaped buildings. People like to sit and eat and talk on those steps. There are bars and restaurants and art galleries to visit too. There are always events happening all year round.

For everyalien: Fed Square ended up costing around $450million – $300million over budget – and a majority of the city’s citizens don’t even like it. The minority of Melbourne’s citizens who think they’re cool and edgy and hip and trendy do like it because it’s cool and edgy and hip and trendy. Fed Square was even voted the fifth ugliest building in the world in 2009. Ironically, the majority of people who dislike Fed Square are guilty of causing a sea of black and grey on the city streets during winter because in winter everyone dresses in black and grey which is as bland and depressing as the Fed Square colour scheme.

Melbourne Arts Centre Spire

The Arts Centre Spire

For everyone: It’s a spire that sits atop the Arts Centre which receives countless national and international artists and millions of visitors each year.

For everyalien: Although it looks like a communication tower, it isn’t. You can see how much the design of the tower is influenced by The Eiffel Tower in Paris because, well, why the fuck not. The old spire has gone through a few issues in its life, the most recent being on January 1 2012, when it was accidently set ablaze by rogue New Year’s fireworks. Luckily for Melbourne, competence wasn’t something to be scored when it came to liveability rankings.

St Paul’s Cathedral

St Pauls

For everyone: It’s a church.

For everyalien: This old thing has been around for more then 120 years. Sure, that’s not long in anyone’s language but in Australia, if anything has been around for that long then that’s a really long time, that’s, like, half as long as Australia has been a country. Across the road from St Paul’s is Young & Jackson Hotel, which has been there for about 150 years. I guess that explains how entrenched Melbourne’s drunkenness and disorderly behaviour, violence and assault during the evenings is a preferred hobby over of prayer and peace during the morning.

Melbourne Laneway

Laneway

For everyone: It’s probably the most photographed laneway in Melbourne because it exemplifies the city’s cool café culture.

For everyalien: Melbournians are obsessed with al fresco café and cuisine culture. This laneway exemplifies that the best because the more tiny and cramped the space, the cooler the café culture. This laneway is always busy because it’s also used as a thoroughfare between city blocks. Sure, this sort of thing has been going on in Europe and Asia for centuries but Melbournians like to adopt concepts from other cultures and call them their own. It’s kinda like stealing. Stealing is bad by the way. What’s also bad as bad is stealing is being bumped all the time by passers by while you’re trying to sip your organic light soy fair trade double shot latte with a twist of vanilla topped with handmade chocolate shavings that costs more then enough to feed starving African children for a month.

Graffiti Laneway

Graffiti Laneway

For everyone: Sometimes people graffiti the city’s walls. Sometimes they’re illegal and sometimes they’re not. What they always are is street art.

For everyalien: Melbourne and graffiti always have and always will go hand in hand. It just shows how relaxed and arty Melbourne likes to be. It also shows how dumpsters and people smoking are art too. When the Commonwealth Games were held in Melbourne in 2006 the then Victorian politicians, in a iron fisted dictatorial move, rid the city of its graffiti and homeless people for the duration of the event to give the impression Melbourne isn’t as graffitied and swamped with unsupported homeless people as it actually is.

Collins Street

Collins Street

For everyone: It’s a popular city street. The north end is full of boutique shops. Trams that run along Collins Street are always busy.

For everyalien: It’s a long street towered by high rise office blocks full of people busily working away at their jobs. No one is ever happy on Collins Street unless it’s night time and everyone has been to a pub like Young & Jackson. Take a ride on a tram from one end of Collins Street to the other and you wont be able to count any smiles on any faces because there wouldn’t be any.

The Age Building

The Age building

For everyone: The Herald Sun’s broadsheet competition which is no longer a broadsheet on weekdays. The Age is as Melbourne as Melbourne gets. Or it’s only as Melbourne as Melbourne gets because it’s job is to talk about how Melbourne Melbourne is to Melbournians. I don’t know. It’s a newspaper.

For everyalien: People who write stories about Melbourne and the rest of the world work here. The screen up there shows news all day long. Melbournians like to be informed all the time, that’s also why they’re always looking at their smart phones and laptops and tablets everywhere they go. But Melbournians don’t want to pay for news and that was evident when The Age talked about bringing in a scheme where people might have to pay to The Age’s news online. That means the poor people working inside that building are probably earning less than commercial cleaners. People really only buy The Age on Saturdays because  on Saturdays they’re not working in their high rise office blocks being lazy and procrastinating by reading The Age (wait, actually getting paid to read The Age for free) instead of working.

Southern Cross Station

Southern Cross station

For everyone: It’s another train station. This one is the state’s hub where trains from all over Victoria transport people in. Kinda like a Hauptbahnof, for you German readers.

For everyalien: It’s another train station except this one isn’t a landmark. People tend not to hang around waiting to meet their friends there because of the type of simpleton country folk from low socioeconomic backgrounds loiter around the front smoking in a non-arty way. The Age building is right next door but it doesn’t get hassled by the visiting country folk because they don’t read such high-brow material as The Age. Southern Cross Station boasts another bone of contention with Melbournians and the country folk visitors alike. That’s its wavy roof. What’s with that wavy roof? Apparently it helps suck up the train fumes but I can’t see how any roof could make a polluted train station any less polluted than no roof. Anyway, I think a guy I once worked with said his dad designed the roof or some shit.

Melbourne Town Hall

Melbourne Town Hall

For everyone: It’s the city’s town hall.

For everyalien: This is the very site that houses the people who prevent you from visiting. One of Melbourne’s most beloved previous Lord Mayors John So was so cool he totes would have implemented a ‘welcome alien’ policy but now we have Lord Mayor Robert Doyle who’s so stuffy I doubt you’d be able to get a probe anywhere near his ass.

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One comment on “The one and only travel guide that will save Melbourne.

  1. we use vacuum usually so we must buy vacuum cleaner.this is a important for us.

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