If your body is plagued with ingrown hairs then chances are you’ve tried all sorts of creams to alleviate the pain and ugliness. Ultimately, The Art Of Shaving ingrown hair cream is probably one of the best creams out there. It’s fucking expensive but boy does it work and it smells pretty too.
The problem with this particular cream is that its dispenser isn’t as reliable as the cream it houses. The dispenser is untrustworthy at best and until recently I thought, impenetrable. You see, this isn’t any old cheap and crappy plastic pump thing for your cheap-ass creams, it’s a tough plastic case that has no doubt been advertised as strong enough to survive unfathomable fathoms, tanks rolling over it and being shot directly into the sun. And no, the irony of a cream that prevents hairs being encased under the skin is actually itself encased so rigidly isn’t lost on me.
All in all, the dispenser acted like there was no cream left inside because whenever I pumped, no matter how fervently I pumped, nothing came out but I felt in my heart of hearts there was still more sweet, sweet cream to come. Also, the dispenser was noticeably too heavy to be empty. So after much deliberation and mental preparation I decided I needed to embark on the tormenting physical and mental journey of man vs The Art Of Shaving cream dispenser.
For this mind bending and physically challenging project you’ll need your trusty Forever Sharp (TM) Surgical Stainless Steel knife. If you don’t own the Forever Sharp (TM) Surgical Stainless Steel knife then grab a similar cerated knife that can cut though a shoe and a door. If you don’t own any knives that can do anything remotely masculine then you’ve failed at kitchening so you’ll need to mope out to the shed and grab your handsaw. If you don’t have a handsaw then either go and buy one or live the rest of your pathetic life forever knowing you’ll never get the rest of your lovely smelling cream out of its plastic jail.
A quick word of warning – don’t use your Forever Sharp (TM) Surgical Stainless Steel knife to try to lever any part of the bottle out or else you’ll snap off one of the (steel) tines on the end which means the plastic The Art Of Shaving pump bottle is actually stronger than stainless surgical steel. Is there nothing this fucking bottle won’t corrupt?!
You’ll also need a pair of pliers. I had a pair of scissors at the ready just in case. The first thing you’ll want to do is take the pump cap off the bottle. That may seem hard but like with everything the first step is the baby step. Just find a way to grip it and pull. This’ll be the result:
Next up we have to get that white thing out so you’ll want to saw it this way:
You’ll know you’ve sawed deep enough when you grab your pliers to pull the white thing and the spring underneath out.
Now we have to saw the bottom of the plastic bottle off like this:
When that’s done you’ll notice another white plastic thing sitting up near the top of the cream compartment.
It may seem to you that this indicates the container is empty. Don’t be fooled though, that’s what the people at The Art Of Shaving want you to think so you’ll throw the bottle out at this point then jump online to pay through the ass for another bottle. But we’ve come this far and there’s no turning back now, we’ll outsmart those The Art Of Shaving people by going further than they’d ever expect. Get prepared mentally and physically because now we need to saw the bottle this way:
Once that’s done you’ll finally be able to see exactly how much cream is left:
Eureka! Look at that sweet, sweet, pretty smelling cream, it’s better than gold!
Then just unwrap the plastic:
And place your precious cream in another container, preferably one that can be opened in less than seven steps and without the need for a saw.
There you have it. We’ve conquered the impenetrable fortress known as The Art Of Shaving cream pump pack bottle thing. If you were so inclined you could parcel up each part of the bottle separately and post them back one at a time at irregular intervals to The Art Of Shaving’s HQ like some sort of sicko, or you could just email them and tell them how proud you are that you’ve climbed the Everest of bottle container opening. I’ll be sending the email.